Power Truths

I lied.

This came to me during meditation.

It’s true. I wasn’t honest with myself. How I really felt.

The memory that erupted the floodgate of realization shattered my physique. It was years ago but it came back to me like it was yesterday.

We were sitting in a funky breakfast eatery in Little Italy in Toronto. My soon-to-be husband and I. It was a hangover day. We were eating up the grease. Two very intriguing individuals walked in. They had an artist’s air about them. Proud, confidant and dressed in colour. I looked. I gawked. I admired.

My fiancé caught my glare and gashed my ego.

“You don’t like artists do you?” then he added in a snarly tone, “Bunch of wing nuts.”
Young at the time, flirting with love, ironically I really thought he was the one for me - my true love, I responded uncomfortably. It was neither in their defense, nor in my favour.

Was I lost?
The truth is I was. I wasn’t listening to my inner guides. To my intuition. To my heart. I wasn’t telling him how I really felt. I do admire artists.

In a power struggle with love and fitting in, I’d given up my soul. I thought I loved myself, but I didn’t really know. It turns out when I look back, I wasn’t being true to myself - in any of my past relationships.

I did marry that man. But it didn’t last.

My spiritual journey took time.

Earlier this month I had the fortune of attending two evening talks with the same two young and very spiritually savvy women. This may sound contradictory. I am sure they are both younger in age them myself; yet full of more wisdom and spiritual intuition then I ever had at their ages.

Gabrielle Bernstein from New York at one point waved a hand in the air announcing she was a P.S.A. (Public Service Announcement) for meditation.
Danielle LaPorte a Vancouver native swung on the jive on grooving to the way you want to feel. Not comparing yourself to others. Setting your own state of being.

I gulped it all up.

Even though, I had entered the room feeling at the time, “Cripey another couple of women talking about women’s stuff. Here we go again…”
Yet, as much as I have already seen, heard and read before – these two captivated my soul.

This was in Vancouver.

Gabrielle Bernstein signing her latest book "May Cause Miracles"
with Danielle LaPorte in Vancouver.
Photograph by Jane Victoria King

A few days later I was in Victoria and I saw them both again. Together on stage for the opening night of the Victoria Yoga Conference.

I had taken my mother and a close family friend.

They did it again.

Be true to yourself resonated once more. Even though I always thought I followed my heart, did what I felt was right, I came to a realization that sometimes what the mind says overpowers the way the heart feels.

The head shouldn’t rule the heart. We should listen to our heart.

In Vancouver I bought Gabby’s book the “Spirit Junkies.” It’s by my bed. I read it before I go to sleep.

A few days after I returned from Victoria I went to Indigo and bought Danielle’s book, “The Fire Starter Sessions,” which I read in the morning when I wake up.

I am almost finished the two of them. True enough, I’ve gleamed more entrepreneurial spirit from both.

The message is loud and clear.

Be true to yourself. Listen to your inner guides. Meditate.

In my practice I’ve released all of my regrets. Forgiven everyone I can think of. Crossed the highway to gain a daily morning spiritual practice that I look forward to. Honoured my fears, but not let them rule me. Woken up each day with gratitude and gained a spring in my step knowing I know how I want to feel.

Holy love, holy health, and holy wealth.

I don’t compare myself to anyone else.

This is me.

A Meditation

Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick… I hear the timer and decide it should be shoved under a pillow. I do that then think, what if I don’t hear it go off in 20 minutes? I take the chance.
It’s been a while since I sat cross-legged with my butt against a pillow and my palms facing up. Thumb and third finger together sloped on the knees. I settle. Doing my best to clear my thoughts. It takes time.

Before long I’m revolving images of black, purple, some green. My conscious creeps in. I have to slam the door. I’m after stillness. The zen perhaps.

I try to focus on my breathing. I invite love. I ask for a white light to cleanse my soul. All of a sudden I’m enveloped with a quiet. Slowly my head tilts back. I can’t stop it. I let it be. I take another deep breath. I continue.

It could have been moments. I’m not sure. I am charged with a blue ray up and down my body. I feel lifted.

The egg timer rattles a ding. Although suffocated I hear it. My eyes open.

I see different.

I see clearly.

I See Purple

To be brutally honest I’ve had my heart shattered twice.  Only time heals the wounded souls.  I know that now.

While in the throws of it, a healing hands master asked me to close my eyes and look up.

“What colour do you see she asked?”

All I saw was black. Of course. My entire life was dark. Like a black cloud hanging over me. I’d fallen into an abyss. Was there any hope of getting out?

If I knew then what I know now maybe it wouldn’t of taken so long. Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Love, love, love, love and more love. That’s all it took.

Our mind twists our hearts. Which really controls us? The heart or the mind?

I eventually make way for the cleansing of my soul. Meditating clarity. Freshness. Like clean air. Transparent water. A mirror of light flushes through me. I close my eyes again.

Now I see purple.